So yeah, I'm practically losing myself in this life with no directions to go. (including the spiritual path, since I didn't went to church for some time)
Who am I? Who am I? I kept on asking that to myself. Do I really need to be somebody? Filled with riches and fame? or just a normal someone that is just crossing in this world?
I have no answer. I never had one. All the time I've been spoon-fed with the decisions made so I need not to choose my path. Well, we all know that its always the correct way to follow what has been pre-set by our parents. However, I don't like it. Yes indeed everyone wants to live well in this world. Money comes first. Thats why getting well paid jobs should be our main priority in this life. This statement is true, but it isn't applicable to me. Not everyone can endure their passion, their interest fading away because of this; I'm one of them.
You friends know me, you all knew well what I love and my passion towards it is real. People knows about my passion. My parents don't. My parents doesn't care about it. They just think its my temporary interest. It may seem so because throughout this 2 years, what have I achieved in my piano? nothing. Yes, nothing. Heck, I'm not even grade 1. People say that grades doesn't matter, but it does matter to me. Because I want to be in this whole thing, Music. I know I'm somehow gifted with this talent in hearing musics.
I know I'm not Beethoven, Chopin or Mozart but I know I'm not some random fella out here like Justin Bieber who will just sing on YouTube and get popular. Come on, no one says that I need to be famous. Can't I just be maybe a.. piano teacher? A Composer? Song Writer? Orchestra member? Just affiliate me with anything about music and I'll love it.
All these are my passion, my dreams. Then comes my interests. Well I love gadgets not just about their functions but about how they work too. So I'd be glad to learn all these or maybe get a full time jobs about these. At least I still have interest to it.
Maybe if you're reading this and you say, "Wait a minute, I saw this post before. Why is it so familiar with your previous one?"
Well, because I haven't solve this matter and I'm still finding a solution to it.
Here's some jokes, well maybe not as good as in 9gag but I'll try:
What my parents think of my future : Dentist
What my relatives think of my future: Dentist
What I think of my future : Successful musician.
What I really am : Nobody
What am I going to do about it : Nothing
What my parents asked me : What are you going to do, son? (future-planning question)
What I think I'm going to say to them : Dad please, I really love music. I really believe I can excel in it but I need more hard works and guidance to it. Heck I'm still new man, do you really think a guy like me can play Brahm's Hungarian Dance in just a day or two? I can find jobs while studying piano and violin. Maybe 2 or 3 years later I can take diploma or degree. I just need you to say yes, and I'll definitely burn up my passion and shine it to show you.
What I really said : Err... I don't know.
My parents : I'm really proud of my eldest daughter. She's very talented in arts since she's young. She can hear the melody of the song and play it on the keyboard during her childhood. She even lead the acapella(which is us 4 siblings) during grandma's birthday.
What I wanted to say : Well do you know that I'm the one who chose the song? That "Stand By Me" is the best song to be sang since its easy? Do you know that I lead the choir team when I was in form 4, and probably in form 5 if it wasn't been closed? Do you know that Melvin(a music teacher) said that my music hearing is very good? That I passed his hearing test for Choir with ease? Do you know that I'm able to actually hum some unheard before melodies? that means I can compose songs from these right? Well its not just one or two, but in.... wait... I lost count, that actually means a lot! You're throwing away this talent. And you didn't say anything like that about me. Do you know how sad am I? I always wanted to cry everytime you praise her only.
What I really said : Ya.
I'm such a coward. Everytime when friends ask me out, I kept on pondering, should I ask my dad or not? Yes I should. Do I have the courage to ask him? No I don't. Because everytime I ask him about these. I will eventually get some glares by his intimidating face and also some near-to-scolding words.
So what I did is these:
1) Reject all my friends invites to hang out unless its really a fun time to be there.
2) Join my best friends(Bryan, Daniel, Garry and Thomas) and hang out together, playing games or such without my dad's permission and get scolded later when I get back. (somehow I think he's less fierce in this way, just that I might have been disrespectful to him)
Haha and thats not enough, do you know that I don't even dare to ask for money since I'm young? And to say even school fees and allowances. EVERY TIME!! yes all the time I've been trying to postpone the collection of the fees until due date is very near. Of course I'll get scolded by him for not asking him earlier too but hey, its my psychology you know? The longer you hide, the longer you can live. Thats how I ask things.
I want my dad to be proud of me, by who I really am not by what he made me to be. Well I guess he'll never see this unless I tell him to. I do hope he can understand me more. I'm not being rebellious, I'm just having no clue on what should I do to make him happy and I can too myself. The truth is, I'm just trying to be deniable to him so that he can give up of his plans for me. I'm truly a bad kid right? I inflict pain to him but I suffer too. I'm sorry dad, I know I've failed you.
Ethan Liew signing out.