Friday, October 28, 2011

The Reason

I've been quite down or to say, "emo" for the past few months, due to my negative thoughts about everything else that happens around me. I'll just sum out everything so you all could understand.

1. Problems with myself
its due to my stress for the course I'm taking, STPM. yeah I've been having butterflies in my stomach since the early of the year, been working hard on it(especially Chemistry) until my mid year exam results came out. Its a let-down, with CHEMISTRY as my lowest amongst other subjects. I've put 100% effort on it, but still.. what a disappointment. STPM really am trying to make us go crazy. That's why people said STPM stands for "Study Till Partially Mad". Guess its true.
Then, I've start to become fed up with STPM, though I must go on. There's also quite a few reason for the stress in my exam but I'll just skip that.

From the start, I didn't wanted to pursue Dentistry. And yes, as all of you know me, I love music and I know I can't go further because I'm already late(old) for this thing. "Music must start from young etc etc", so I heard from everyone. So Music is a no go for me.(I really would like to try though, I ) Then I thought, I'm kinda interested in the designs and the programmings of softwares and computer hardwares.. e.g how to make a processor and such. However, my family said that its not a good opportunity to make money, and it will be hard to survive unless you're a genius or successful in it. Kinda accept the fact, and went on.. Then they proposed: "why not taking Dentistry? Dentistry can earn so much money, family oral health are being taken care of for free, and more free time compared to doctors.." Well, at 1st I thought it would be okay if I take dentistry since I love to help people, since I was once active in first aid activities. And also, since I'll be taking STPM for this.. I might be able to have more time to check what subject I like to take for my future.

Now, as time goes by, I realised my mistake, medical courses is not my type. Its just too hard for me to go on for something I don't really fancy doing. Not that I don't like Biology, but to involve it totally into my life is just, not my interest. Same goes to Physics, I LOVE IT! but I don't want to be a professor or anything.. Just learning it is fun.

Thats one of the reason I've been really confused during these months, what am I doing here in this college taking STPM? What is my purpose in this life? My job? My Future? All the subjects I've currently taken cannot ignite my passion.

I've lost my will to study STPM, but I can't just drop this. Its been bugging my mind since then.

Its all my fault

2. Problems with my friends
I know its my duty to study well and score well, but to do something that I don't have passion on it is just quite hard for me. Still I tried to go on.. with my cheerful attitude.. thinking I might just survive until the course's over.

I knew everyone, I talked to everyone, I walked with everyone, I smiled and laughed with everyone. Yes, I am their friend(so I claim). Yes, they treat me as a friend too, but most of them don't treat me as a "FRIEND", because I'm just not in their gang. I have no gang to be with, though it seemed like I'm one gang with Hui Yee, Simone and Janice, it ain't really true.

I've been left out from my class. Everyone seemed like a stranger to me after the new semester began. Noah went into Muniye's "gang"; Guy Eon have their own gang, which I hardly can join them well.. and I can't join others as well.. Its hard.

Okay, regarding Hui Yee, Simone and Janice.. Its not them who ignored my presence, its just because I'm me.. I'm a guy, and I don't have a girlfriend; They're girls, and all of them have boyfriends.. You know.. I can't really get too close to them.. so there's a certain gap between us.(Simone's bf somehow is more sensitive because I'm quite close to her) And yeah, as I said, they're girls.. Some topics are not mine to barge into..

During the days, Janice the wise one will just skip some classes.(She's really good in her studies so it doesn't matter to the teachers at all) Then, Simone joins in.. Hui Yee? Err.. She's a tardy person but she's always sitting with her bf, so its better not to disturb.

I treat Noah as my brother in this college. He likes to talk his problems with me and we'll pray together, have bible study together, and help each other.. But the love problems he encounters made him really "emo"(just like me for the past few months) and somehow He's not attending class as often too.

Mok? Yes that guy, he was my friend until a month or two ago we had an argument. A silly one. I've apologised for my part of wrongdoings and he just doesn't accept, so why should I further push myself to save this friendship?

I'm quite jealous too, you know? when everybody has their own celebration of birthday with their friends, I do not.. Heck I only received a birthday card from Jack only. Everyone just forgot about my birthday. At least, I wished them and even tend to buy cards with everyone's words of cheers in it for them, but still, I got nothing. I called my friends and wish them personally, but I did not get any. Seriously I feel lonely. This is just like high school, only worse.

I worked hard for the class video.. I love the moments in that video, and I cherished it. Its like a mask that hides me from this reality, that I'm actually alone all this while. Thus, I've been really down thereafter.. not even wanting any attention anymore.

3. Problems with my relationships
No I'm not hitting on girls, nor having my sight on one.. Its just that, people tend to work hard with their bf/gf by their side. I felt silly and yeah, alone again. Always seeing how in my class, couples that studies together are awesome. Their grades improved greatly and they really do focus much on studies. They support each other, giving the determination to work harder. I can see that in all of them. So yeah again, I'm feeing jealous too.

I've always been the cheerful one, but there's no one to cheer me up. Only my piano is able to make me deeply happy.

I felt tired of this STPM life, and giving a lot of excuses to myself for my bad results. Tiredness was one of it.
I've been trying to fix this by moving near college. It was good at first, but back to the normal state after.

4. Results of these
a) Lazy
b) Emo
c) Depressed
d) Stressed
e) Wasting my time, doing nothing but reading comics and watching animes
f) Lots of excuses for myself

Its just one month left, and I just recovered from this, somehow..
Its useless for me to think so much for now. So I'll just put these aside for now.

Hope I can manage my time and go through this exam.

Ethan Liew signing out.