The Reason

I've been quite down or to say, "emo" for the past few months, due to my negative thoughts about everything else that happens around me. I'll just sum out everything so you all could understand.

1. Problems with myself
its due to my stress for the course I'm taking, STPM. yeah I've been having butterflies in my stomach since the early of the year, been working hard on it(especially Chemistry) until my mid year exam results came out. Its a let-down, with CHEMISTRY as my lowest amongst other subjects. I've put 100% effort on it, but still.. what a disappointment. STPM really am trying to make us go crazy. That's why people said STPM stands for "Study Till Partially Mad". Guess its true.
Then, I've start to become fed up with STPM, though I must go on. There's also quite a few reason for the stress in my exam but I'll just skip that.

From the start, I didn't wanted to pursue Dentistry. And yes, as all of you know me, I love music and I know I can't go further because I'm already late(old) for this thing. "Music must start from young etc etc", so I heard from everyone. So Music is a no go for me.(I really would like to try though, I ) Then I thought, I'm kinda interested in the designs and the programmings of softwares and computer hardwares.. e.g how to make a processor and such. However, my family said that its not a good opportunity to make money, and it will be hard to survive unless you're a genius or successful in it. Kinda accept the fact, and went on.. Then they proposed: "why not taking Dentistry? Dentistry can earn so much money, family oral health are being taken care of for free, and more free time compared to doctors.." Well, at 1st I thought it would be okay if I take dentistry since I love to help people, since I was once active in first aid activities. And also, since I'll be taking STPM for this.. I might be able to have more time to check what subject I like to take for my future.

Now, as time goes by, I realised my mistake, medical courses is not my type. Its just too hard for me to go on for something I don't really fancy doing. Not that I don't like Biology, but to involve it totally into my life is just, not my interest. Same goes to Physics, I LOVE IT! but I don't want to be a professor or anything.. Just learning it is fun.

Thats one of the reason I've been really confused during these months, what am I doing here in this college taking STPM? What is my purpose in this life? My job? My Future? All the subjects I've currently taken cannot ignite my passion.

I've lost my will to study STPM, but I can't just drop this. Its been bugging my mind since then.

Its all my fault

2. Problems with my friends
I know its my duty to study well and score well, but to do something that I don't have passion on it is just quite hard for me. Still I tried to go on.. with my cheerful attitude.. thinking I might just survive until the course's over.

I knew everyone, I talked to everyone, I walked with everyone, I smiled and laughed with everyone. Yes, I am their friend(so I claim). Yes, they treat me as a friend too, but most of them don't treat me as a "FRIEND", because I'm just not in their gang. I have no gang to be with, though it seemed like I'm one gang with Hui Yee, Simone and Janice, it ain't really true.

I've been left out from my class. Everyone seemed like a stranger to me after the new semester began. Noah went into Muniye's "gang"; Guy Eon have their own gang, which I hardly can join them well.. and I can't join others as well.. Its hard.

Okay, regarding Hui Yee, Simone and Janice.. Its not them who ignored my presence, its just because I'm me.. I'm a guy, and I don't have a girlfriend; They're girls, and all of them have boyfriends.. You know.. I can't really get too close to them.. so there's a certain gap between us.(Simone's bf somehow is more sensitive because I'm quite close to her) And yeah, as I said, they're girls.. Some topics are not mine to barge into..

During the days, Janice the wise one will just skip some classes.(She's really good in her studies so it doesn't matter to the teachers at all) Then, Simone joins in.. Hui Yee? Err.. She's a tardy person but she's always sitting with her bf, so its better not to disturb.

I treat Noah as my brother in this college. He likes to talk his problems with me and we'll pray together, have bible study together, and help each other.. But the love problems he encounters made him really "emo"(just like me for the past few months) and somehow He's not attending class as often too.

Mok? Yes that guy, he was my friend until a month or two ago we had an argument. A silly one. I've apologised for my part of wrongdoings and he just doesn't accept, so why should I further push myself to save this friendship?

I'm quite jealous too, you know? when everybody has their own celebration of birthday with their friends, I do not.. Heck I only received a birthday card from Jack only. Everyone just forgot about my birthday. At least, I wished them and even tend to buy cards with everyone's words of cheers in it for them, but still, I got nothing. I called my friends and wish them personally, but I did not get any. Seriously I feel lonely. This is just like high school, only worse.

I worked hard for the class video.. I love the moments in that video, and I cherished it. Its like a mask that hides me from this reality, that I'm actually alone all this while. Thus, I've been really down thereafter.. not even wanting any attention anymore.

3. Problems with my relationships
No I'm not hitting on girls, nor having my sight on one.. Its just that, people tend to work hard with their bf/gf by their side. I felt silly and yeah, alone again. Always seeing how in my class, couples that studies together are awesome. Their grades improved greatly and they really do focus much on studies. They support each other, giving the determination to work harder. I can see that in all of them. So yeah again, I'm feeing jealous too.

I've always been the cheerful one, but there's no one to cheer me up. Only my piano is able to make me deeply happy.

I felt tired of this STPM life, and giving a lot of excuses to myself for my bad results. Tiredness was one of it.
I've been trying to fix this by moving near college. It was good at first, but back to the normal state after.


4. Results of these
a) Lazy
b) Emo
c) Depressed
d) Stressed
e) Wasting my time, doing nothing but reading comics and watching animes
f) Lots of excuses for myself


Its just one month left, and I just recovered from this, somehow..
Its useless for me to think so much for now. So I'll just put these aside for now.

Hope I can manage my time and go through this exam.


Ethan Liew signing out.

Update

Its August and I'm kinda in the tension to study now.. Maybe too late? lol

Anyway, that Choon Wai is such a stalker, he actually memorised what I mentioned 2 years ago in my blog.. didn't know he got so much time to read my past blog posts..

But he mentioned THAT.. something I couldn't let go yet.. not everything; Its still inside of me somehow, as I wait for it to come... Why is it?! Dude Its been freaking 2 years ++..

I'm kinda into manga nowadays.. Thanks to my friends (Simone and Janice).. though they read Shoujo mangas and I don't.. I kinda read Kimi no Iru Machi and Suzuka now.. kinda ero in some pages but the story is nice and beautiful.. especially Suzuka.. but its awkward to see nudes in it =.=" can't they censor it? @.@

Ethan Liew signing off =)

UPDATE!!!!

haha.. surprised?

Its been months that I've staying off from blogging so now I'm back!(a while)

anyway, just telling you all I'm still healthy and still alive ^^

my sis bought a new handphone: the HTC Sensation which is currently the best smartphone in the market now hehe.. (you know, I'm a phone-craze XD)

school-life is getting pretty busy.. and boring.. People tend to ignore me now.. or is it just my imagination.. I'm not as close to them like last time =(

tata

Part 2

Hmm.. I think I realised the true feeling inside me =)

I want to be alone with nature.. but I cannot give it up.. or to say.. I don't want to be alone =.="

Weird right? How do I want to be alone while I don't want to? haha that's me @.@

I feel very calm and my mind without sorrow whenever I stand near the rain alone.. without anyone near me.. without anyone in the range of my sight, I feel great! lol
(whoever who sometimes sees me standing near the rain, you'll know what I mean XD)

that's what been bothering me.. that's why sometimes I feel like dropping my tears (on purpose) sometimes.. I'm crazy right?

Ethan Liew signing out

this feeling

I'm not sure what is happening to me.. this feeling of depression.. Is it stress? I don't think so..
But what is it? I feel lacking the thing called LOVE.

"LOL" some might give this expression.. and honestly I felt like hugging someone and cry.. but hugging someone requires love.. the love between families.. friends.. the loved one..

Nah you all should know I'm single until now.. so I never had a chance to hug anyone.. haha..

my families? I've already acted like a real man(with childish thoughts) when I was so young.. hugging my parents is the last thing I would do.. and to imagine crying in front of them.. =.= my siblings? NO WAY! I would literally die by their hands.. my elder sisters treated me like a perverted wolr when I was so young.. so now we almost had a limit to our closeness.. i that is the word to describe..

my father do hug me sometimes.. but that only gives me a small decrease in my depression..

my grannies? nope.. I can't hug them tight I think..

I dunno why.. I just can't hug anyone.. everything is by myself.. (and dude I'm not a psycho that will hug himself and cry right?)

Friends? definitely a no! come on.. If I hug a guy.. people will think I'm a gay.. If I hug a girl.. either gossips will be spreaded or I'll suffer punches from their boyfriends.. haha..

and to say about friends.. how many friends do I have? a lot? to me.. its only a few.. And up until now, I cannot trust anyone as much.. (yup Hui Yee.. I'm still the same old me).. no one in this world is able to gain my full trust. because I felt sick of being hurt by it again..

I hate smiling.. but yet I need to be like that.. I always look cheerful on the outside.. but inside-..............

everything is still own my own and God.. I sought peace when I'm with Him.. and I hope I can submit this feeling of mine to God.. and forget it..

Ethan Liew signing out

Off

I'm not going to use my computer unless necessary for this year.. So you wouldn't expect any updates for a long time here.. =)

Ethan the Music lover XD