2019

Hello. Its been years since I last posted anything here.

Just a place for me to scream out my words.



Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhh
I believed there was in any way mutual feelings. But I was wrong. So wrong.


Kthxbye

Another Emo post of mine

Well, I just got my UPU.
The offer is Computer Science (Computer Network Security) in UniSZA, Terengganu.
I don't really like that place, even the University
I don't want to be separated with my piano.
I don't want to burden my dad with the expensive fees if I wanna study in UCTI, near my house.
I should take UniSZA. Which is very cheap.
I couldn't give up my 4 years without piano beside me.
I wanna study music while taking my degree. Piano and either Guitar or Violin.
I have no money.
I don't wanna burden my dad with more expenses.

But, what must be done must be done. I must continue my piano lesson, and I'll need to study in UCTI so that I'm near to my piano, which is easier to me to train my skills.

Whats bugging me now is to ASK. I'm just too intimidated to ask my dad. I just don't know why, as if its my natural response towards that. I just can't ask, even some school fees last time. I'm still the same useless fella who can't ask things from my dad. Going out with my friends? Getting baptised? buying some stuff? Learn piano? My plans for the future? NO! I never asked him anything, only when he ask about it then only I'll ask for that particular thing.

ARRGGHH, its just difficult.

Ethan Liew signing out.

Update July 2012

Okay, I've been told to make an update to my blog!!

Yeah, so I'm gonna do it, Melody Hew En Yi, see? This post is just for you. =.=" Right, who is Melody Hew eh? Aha, this brings back sweet memories of my past. It was a certain day of year 2006, where there three young word musketeers (yeap, Word Musketeers, Problems?) brought their weapon; The dictionaries, on their way to SMK Seri Kembangan. There were lots of people gathering there, all ready for battle, but for what? The title of becoming the Scrabble champions! Yup, its me, Aviel and Bryan who managed to represent the school for this tournament.

Well, I'll skip the 1st match, and jump to the point. My 2nd match was against an unlikely young and beautiful girl, skin fair as a... (pig?? What? pig skin looks fair), err... well yeah thats the only point that cause me to have such a print to my memory. Its En Yi. So she was one who fought against our captain once, Bryan, and lose miserably (so he said that time).. and I thought it'll be okay going against her.

 And.... YES! I won her! by a mere 12 points though. All thanks to her 2 skips in a row causing me to catch up to her points. (Oi En Yi, do you still keep the records? If you don't, that means you don't cherish the moments of our childhood times =(, have a look at that if you have, and you'll surely either having a wide smile now or cursing me then. HAHAHAHAHA)

 So our team won flat against all the players, none of us lost. Everyone wowed at us because its our 1st time in the tournament except Bryan. Wootz! Those were the days when people asks: "do you have MSN? can I have your email?" rather than "FACEBOOK NAME?", can't forget those man.. really.. So we exchanged emails and FRIENDSTER.

 So, Aviel and Bryan did teased me about En Yi, and well, she's quite chubby, cute and fair (based on what I thought of her last time?) so that impacted me a li'l that time. They teased me for about few months. En Yi and I did chat once in a while, maybe few times a month for the early months, then we don't really keep up to each other then. Very seldom she's active in her Live Messenger, and I remember she always kept it on even though her family's using the computer. Auto connect I guess?

 2-3 years later, I found out that I got somewhat closer to May Yin(her friend) than her. Probably because those time I'm err... easier to talk to? People kept sharing their problems to me, especially their love life. Weird right? Yes I think so too =.=" But its okay if I've been of help to them, though I myself needed some help as well in that area those days too. LOL.

After form 5, Somehow, she did had some time to talk to me, FINALLY, I thought. Well, turned out later that she's sharing her problems with me as well. Well, can't say much about it, or else she'll look for me and KILL me if I do write that here. =) We slowly talked and know about each other better since then. Though I must admit, I didn't really catch up with her often, and tend to forget about her. She always been the one calling me or messaging me XD

 And to say, Noah knew her too, which really is a big coincidence =)

 I feel so touched, having a friend that remembers me somehow, as I am always alone, forever alone. I'm glad to have such a chat-pal that barely sees each other (err, we didn't meet other since form 2? LOL), and yet have this strong bond, as a friend.

And well, now En Yi is a big girl, no more emo talks now =) She has her own big plans coming out already, which is very good. I'm partly included in that big plan as well, and I'm happy she invited me to be in it. Hahaha.


 Personal note to En Yi: I'm always here to hear you out friend, or even better, I've treated you like my own sister lol. If there's anything, just call me =)

 Ethan Liew signing out

Well..?

So yeah, I'm practically losing myself in this life with no directions to go. (including the spiritual path, since I didn't went to church for some time)

Who am I? Who am I? I kept on asking that to myself. Do I really need to be somebody? Filled with riches and fame? or just a normal someone that is just crossing in this world?

I have no answer. I never had one. All the time I've been spoon-fed with the decisions made so I need not to choose my path. Well, we all know that its always the correct way to follow what has been pre-set by our parents. However, I don't like it. Yes indeed everyone wants to live well in this world. Money comes first. Thats why getting well paid jobs should be our main priority in this life. This statement is true, but it isn't applicable to me. Not everyone can endure their passion, their interest fading away because of this; I'm one of them.

You friends know me, you all knew well what I love and my passion towards it is real. People knows about my passion. My parents don't. My parents doesn't care about it. They just think its my temporary interest. It may seem so because throughout this 2 years, what have I achieved in my piano? nothing. Yes, nothing. Heck, I'm not even grade 1. People say that grades doesn't matter, but it does matter to me. Because I want to be in this whole thing, Music. I know I'm somehow gifted with this talent in hearing musics.

I know I'm not Beethoven, Chopin or Mozart but I know I'm not some random fella out here like Justin Bieber who will just sing on YouTube and get popular. Come on, no one says that I need to be famous. Can't I just be maybe a.. piano teacher? A Composer? Song Writer? Orchestra member? Just affiliate me with anything about music and I'll love it.

All these are my passion, my dreams. Then comes my interests. Well I love gadgets not just about their functions but about how they work too. So I'd be glad to learn all these or maybe get a full time jobs about these. At least I still have interest to it.

Maybe if you're reading this and you say, "Wait a minute, I saw this post before. Why is it so familiar with your previous one?"
Well, because I haven't solve this matter and I'm still finding a solution to it.


Here's some jokes, well maybe not as good as in 9gag but I'll try:

What my parents think of my future : Dentist
What my relatives think of my future: Dentist
What I think of my future : Successful musician.
What I really am : Nobody
What am I going to do about it : Nothing
Why nothing?

What my parents asked me : What are you going to do, son? (future-planning question)
What I think I'm going to say to them : Dad please, I really love music. I really believe I can excel in it but I need more hard works and guidance to it. Heck I'm still new man, do you really think a guy like me can play Brahm's Hungarian Dance in just a day or two? I can find jobs while studying piano and violin. Maybe 2 or 3 years later I can take diploma or degree. I just need you to say yes, and I'll definitely burn up my passion and shine it to show you.
What I really said : Err... I don't know.


My parents : I'm really proud of my eldest daughter. She's very talented in arts since she's young. She can hear the melody of the song and play it on the keyboard during her childhood. She even lead the acapella(which is us 4 siblings) during grandma's birthday.
What I wanted to say : Well do you know that I'm the one who chose the song? That "Stand By Me" is the best song to be sang since its easy? Do you know that I lead the choir team when I was in form 4, and probably in form 5 if it wasn't been closed? Do you know that Melvin(a music teacher) said that my music hearing is very good? That I passed his hearing test for Choir with ease? Do you know that I'm able to actually hum some unheard before melodies? that means I can compose songs from these right? Well its not just one or two, but in.... wait... I lost count, that actually means a lot! You're throwing away this talent. And you didn't say anything like that about me. Do you know how sad am I? I always wanted to cry everytime you praise her only.
What I really said : Ya.


I'm such a coward. Everytime when friends ask me out, I kept on pondering, should I ask my dad or not? Yes I should. Do I have the courage to ask him? No I don't. Because everytime I ask him about these. I will eventually get some glares by his intimidating face and also some near-to-scolding words.
So what I did is these:
1) Reject all my friends invites to hang out unless its really a fun time to be there.
2) Join my best friends(Bryan, Daniel, Garry and Thomas) and hang out together, playing games or such without my dad's permission and get scolded later when I get back. (somehow I think he's less fierce in this way, just that I might have been disrespectful to him)
Haha and thats not enough, do you know that I don't even dare to ask for money since I'm young? And to say even school fees and allowances. EVERY TIME!! yes all the time I've been trying to postpone the collection of the fees until due date is very near. Of course I'll get scolded by him for not asking him earlier too but hey, its my psychology you know? The longer you hide, the longer you can live. Thats how I ask things.


I want my dad to be proud of me, by who I really am not by what he made me to be. Well I guess he'll never see this unless I tell him to. I do hope he can understand me more. I'm not being rebellious, I'm just having no clue on what should I do to make him happy and I can too myself. The truth is, I'm just trying to be deniable to him so that he can give up of his plans for me. I'm truly a bad kid right? I inflict pain to him but I suffer too. I'm sorry dad, I know I've failed you.



Ethan Liew signing out.

The Reason

I've been quite down or to say, "emo" for the past few months, due to my negative thoughts about everything else that happens around me. I'll just sum out everything so you all could understand.

1. Problems with myself
its due to my stress for the course I'm taking, STPM. yeah I've been having butterflies in my stomach since the early of the year, been working hard on it(especially Chemistry) until my mid year exam results came out. Its a let-down, with CHEMISTRY as my lowest amongst other subjects. I've put 100% effort on it, but still.. what a disappointment. STPM really am trying to make us go crazy. That's why people said STPM stands for "Study Till Partially Mad". Guess its true.
Then, I've start to become fed up with STPM, though I must go on. There's also quite a few reason for the stress in my exam but I'll just skip that.

From the start, I didn't wanted to pursue Dentistry. And yes, as all of you know me, I love music and I know I can't go further because I'm already late(old) for this thing. "Music must start from young etc etc", so I heard from everyone. So Music is a no go for me.(I really would like to try though, I ) Then I thought, I'm kinda interested in the designs and the programmings of softwares and computer hardwares.. e.g how to make a processor and such. However, my family said that its not a good opportunity to make money, and it will be hard to survive unless you're a genius or successful in it. Kinda accept the fact, and went on.. Then they proposed: "why not taking Dentistry? Dentistry can earn so much money, family oral health are being taken care of for free, and more free time compared to doctors.." Well, at 1st I thought it would be okay if I take dentistry since I love to help people, since I was once active in first aid activities. And also, since I'll be taking STPM for this.. I might be able to have more time to check what subject I like to take for my future.

Now, as time goes by, I realised my mistake, medical courses is not my type. Its just too hard for me to go on for something I don't really fancy doing. Not that I don't like Biology, but to involve it totally into my life is just, not my interest. Same goes to Physics, I LOVE IT! but I don't want to be a professor or anything.. Just learning it is fun.

Thats one of the reason I've been really confused during these months, what am I doing here in this college taking STPM? What is my purpose in this life? My job? My Future? All the subjects I've currently taken cannot ignite my passion.

I've lost my will to study STPM, but I can't just drop this. Its been bugging my mind since then.

Its all my fault

2. Problems with my friends
I know its my duty to study well and score well, but to do something that I don't have passion on it is just quite hard for me. Still I tried to go on.. with my cheerful attitude.. thinking I might just survive until the course's over.

I knew everyone, I talked to everyone, I walked with everyone, I smiled and laughed with everyone. Yes, I am their friend(so I claim). Yes, they treat me as a friend too, but most of them don't treat me as a "FRIEND", because I'm just not in their gang. I have no gang to be with, though it seemed like I'm one gang with Hui Yee, Simone and Janice, it ain't really true.

I've been left out from my class. Everyone seemed like a stranger to me after the new semester began. Noah went into Muniye's "gang"; Guy Eon have their own gang, which I hardly can join them well.. and I can't join others as well.. Its hard.

Okay, regarding Hui Yee, Simone and Janice.. Its not them who ignored my presence, its just because I'm me.. I'm a guy, and I don't have a girlfriend; They're girls, and all of them have boyfriends.. You know.. I can't really get too close to them.. so there's a certain gap between us.(Simone's bf somehow is more sensitive because I'm quite close to her) And yeah, as I said, they're girls.. Some topics are not mine to barge into..

During the days, Janice the wise one will just skip some classes.(She's really good in her studies so it doesn't matter to the teachers at all) Then, Simone joins in.. Hui Yee? Err.. She's a tardy person but she's always sitting with her bf, so its better not to disturb.

I treat Noah as my brother in this college. He likes to talk his problems with me and we'll pray together, have bible study together, and help each other.. But the love problems he encounters made him really "emo"(just like me for the past few months) and somehow He's not attending class as often too.

Mok? Yes that guy, he was my friend until a month or two ago we had an argument. A silly one. I've apologised for my part of wrongdoings and he just doesn't accept, so why should I further push myself to save this friendship?

I'm quite jealous too, you know? when everybody has their own celebration of birthday with their friends, I do not.. Heck I only received a birthday card from Jack only. Everyone just forgot about my birthday. At least, I wished them and even tend to buy cards with everyone's words of cheers in it for them, but still, I got nothing. I called my friends and wish them personally, but I did not get any. Seriously I feel lonely. This is just like high school, only worse.

I worked hard for the class video.. I love the moments in that video, and I cherished it. Its like a mask that hides me from this reality, that I'm actually alone all this while. Thus, I've been really down thereafter.. not even wanting any attention anymore.

3. Problems with my relationships
No I'm not hitting on girls, nor having my sight on one.. Its just that, people tend to work hard with their bf/gf by their side. I felt silly and yeah, alone again. Always seeing how in my class, couples that studies together are awesome. Their grades improved greatly and they really do focus much on studies. They support each other, giving the determination to work harder. I can see that in all of them. So yeah again, I'm feeing jealous too.

I've always been the cheerful one, but there's no one to cheer me up. Only my piano is able to make me deeply happy.

I felt tired of this STPM life, and giving a lot of excuses to myself for my bad results. Tiredness was one of it.
I've been trying to fix this by moving near college. It was good at first, but back to the normal state after.


4. Results of these
a) Lazy
b) Emo
c) Depressed
d) Stressed
e) Wasting my time, doing nothing but reading comics and watching animes
f) Lots of excuses for myself


Its just one month left, and I just recovered from this, somehow..
Its useless for me to think so much for now. So I'll just put these aside for now.

Hope I can manage my time and go through this exam.


Ethan Liew signing out.

Update

Its August and I'm kinda in the tension to study now.. Maybe too late? lol

Anyway, that Choon Wai is such a stalker, he actually memorised what I mentioned 2 years ago in my blog.. didn't know he got so much time to read my past blog posts..

But he mentioned THAT.. something I couldn't let go yet.. not everything; Its still inside of me somehow, as I wait for it to come... Why is it?! Dude Its been freaking 2 years ++..

I'm kinda into manga nowadays.. Thanks to my friends (Simone and Janice).. though they read Shoujo mangas and I don't.. I kinda read Kimi no Iru Machi and Suzuka now.. kinda ero in some pages but the story is nice and beautiful.. especially Suzuka.. but its awkward to see nudes in it =.=" can't they censor it? @.@

Ethan Liew signing off =)

UPDATE!!!!

haha.. surprised?

Its been months that I've staying off from blogging so now I'm back!(a while)

anyway, just telling you all I'm still healthy and still alive ^^

my sis bought a new handphone: the HTC Sensation which is currently the best smartphone in the market now hehe.. (you know, I'm a phone-craze XD)

school-life is getting pretty busy.. and boring.. People tend to ignore me now.. or is it just my imagination.. I'm not as close to them like last time =(

tata